


drugs (you should try it)

by jaehymns



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, New York City, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26956876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehymns/pseuds/jaehymns
Summary: jaemin likes cocaine and renjun likes the truth and neither try to like the other.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 100





	1. i like my face numb

**Author's Note:**

> **+** enemies to lovers, rich boy/smart boy dynamics
> 
> writing through my writer's block.

Renjun didn't like much about Jaemin which always caused a fuss whenever he'd utter those thoughts. To everyone else the boy was a casanova, filled with charm and kindness. He couldn't deny that the other boy carried those attributes, because yeah — he didn't like the boy, but he wasn't delusional.

Jaemin could charm a room full of people, convince a shouting child with a temper tantrum to shut up, manipulate authorities that he did indeed park at the right spot and _so on_.

It was impressive because a facade required intelligence. Jaemin was very intelligent.

And so was Renjun; he saw through the cracks of the mask the boy was wearing, especially on nights like this.

''What are you doing in my face?'' Renjun sneered, backing away from the close proximity Jaemin had caused between them.

Jaemin cocked an eyebrow. ''Why are you nervous? We're just talking, it's natural to lean in to hear you better. It's a club.''

But Renjun didn't miss how Jaemin moved with calculation, how his eyes would droop lower when the right words were uttered to suggest something else in their conversation. How they managed to get into a conversation was a wonder in itself, because usually Jaemin would hold out for five minutes until Renjun hit a nerve that had him walk off in rage.

Renjun was counting down the minutes until it was time again. Apparently, his deafening silence and blank stare at the other was starting to be enough.

''You're so fucking arrogant,'' Jaemin laughed, leaning against the bar counter with his drink clinking in his hand. 

''I am?''

Tongue in cheek, he leaned down to sip on his Tequila sunrise. He didn't miss how Jaemin's eyes reluctantly followed his movements.

A belittling chuckle escaped the other, eyes still on his lips. ''Yeah, you are.''

Maybe the growing satisfaction in Renjun was over the realization that he had the bait. Jaemin slipped up, just the _tiniest_ bit and it was enough for Renjun snatch on. He was merciless. It was time to have fun.

''Since we're using such pretty adjectives,'' he dragged on the words slowly and he saw how the other boy's shoulders tensed up, ''I'll use some of my own, yeah?''

Jaemin's gaze was hard. Defensive. ''Yeah, go on.''

Renjun was smiling, cheerfully. This was always his favorite part, when he got to devour the food he'd played with.

''Empty.''

The blonde boy laughed. If it wasn't for the hardness around his gaze, Renjun would've thought Jaemin was as carefree and unaffected as his facade worked so hard for him to appear. For the people around them, they looked like two twenty-year-olds bantering over drinks. 

If only they knew the resentment and words laced with poison that filled up the true tension amongst the two.

Renjun finished his drink and turned back to Jaemin, his body fully turned to him. Eyes sharp, smile soft and words deadly.

''I guess it's your empty eyes,'' he said softly, contrasting against the harshness his words carried. ''You can force laughter, like you just did, but something died in your eyes and you're trying desperately to revive it.''

Jaemin's silence was achingly loud over the pulsing music around them.

''That's why you're here, right?'' Renjun continued, taking a step forward. He could feel the body heat radiating from the other now, the smell of alcohol and dusky perfume simultaneously hitting him. ''You constantly seek out the one person who sees that, and the sad part is that I don't see shit. There's nothing to see. I just see emptiness.''

He was aware of how fucked up it was, salivating in this, but at least he was self-aware. Jaemin was not and that was why his mask shattered each time Renjun did this.

''And I see why guys that came up to you the entire night kept leaving,'' Jaemin says, grip white-knuckled around his drink. ''You're a shitty person.''

''So are you,'' Renjun shot back smoothly, not missing a beat. ''That's why you were observing me the whole night.''

A scoff, a sweep of his drink with a hot 'fuck you' later and Jaemin was gone.

Renjun glanced at his watch. Huh.

13 minutes and 42 seconds. That took a bit longer than usual.

*******

Jaemin felt his entire body tingle as he with shaky hands entered the men's restroom. It was wider and cleaner than other clubs, being placed in the upper part of the city. It wouldn't be Manhattan if he wasn't greeted with the sight of cocaine lined up beside the restroom sink.

''You good?'' was the first thing that came out of his friends' mouth. Donghyuck licked the white powder off the edges of his credit card.

''Yeah,'' he said, eyeing the stark white lines against the marble. ''You know people fuck on that countertop, right?''

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, his satin shirt catching the glittering lights gorgeously as he moved. With the combination of his tan skin, fuller lips and dark eyes he was amongst Jaemin's more stunning friends.

''Worry about Jeno not bitching about you doing coke instead,'' was the other's sour reply.

The thought of his best friend's disappointing gaze faded away with the sniff of the powder he snorted through his nose. It was drying and he met his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he looked up. He wet his finger to drag under the nose, removing any remains of the cocaine on him.

He grew warm with the slow numbing sensation licking around his face. He loved the shit.

Another guy, unrecognizable to Jaemin, offered him a cigarette which he took. With the cigarette around his fingers, he noticed how his hands had finally stopped shaking.

_Empty._

He glanced at his reflection again. Friends laughing in luxurious clothing, skinny cigarettes and strong drinks in hand and him in the middle of it all. His eyes weren't dead, he noticed.

They were sad.

_I'd rather die than ever fucking think that again,_ he thought as he inhaled the smoke. Jaemin wasn't a sad person, he was fucking free. The coke reminded him of that and the echoing night of his youth confirmed it.

He could hear Renjun, somewhere in the back of his mind, laughing at him.

* * *

[**SAD!**](https://youtu.be/pgN-vvVVxMA) by XXXTENTACION


	2. what's up?

The city was bustling so it was a miracle that he caught the sight of Jaemin's blonde hair sticking up through the crowd.

It was a cloudy day, streets still wet after the rainy days that had hung low in the air. Jaemin was clutching his wool coat around him, standing tall as he was looking down on his phone with furrowing brows.

Renjun couldn't help noticing how the clunky watch around the other's wrist glared back at him.

_Rich kid._

He put down his boosted board and jumped on it, sweeping by the streets until he halted right by a frightened Jaemin.

''Oh, fuck,'' the tall boy cursed, annoyance registering in his face until he saw the culprit being Renjun. The annoyance further deepened across his features.

Renjun grinned, flicking the boosted board to grip. ''Still pissed about last night?''

Instead of answering, the other started walking across the road with the green light man flickering in the traffic for the crowd to walk. He followed after, sauntering by in quiet amusement.

Jaemin lit a skinny cigarette, still having a firm grip on his phone as he was clicking through it in frustration.

''Fuck, where's my Uber? We're in New York _fucking_ City,'' he spit out, dragging his hand through his hair so that it was sticking up even more.

With the city filled with yellow taxis in every corner, he thought the other boy could suit himself for fiddling with Uber. Not chasing down a taxi with this bitter attitude seemed reasonable enough, though.

They stopped by a food truck and that's when he finally glanced at Renjun.

''Uh, hey,'' he murmured, reluctantly, like it pained him to acknowledge the other's presence.

Renjun snorted, holding the others gaze tauntingly. ''Hi.''

The taller boy nodded at the boosted board in his grip. ''Why do you ride that in the city?''

''Quicker than hunting down taxis or cursing at Ubers, apparently.''

He saw Jaemin bite back his smile. His eyes looked strained, like he hadn't slept at all.

''How quickly would you get me to 50th Street on that thing?''

Renjun cocked his head to the side, liking what he was hearing. ''Me doing you a favor?''

Jaemin laughed, in disbelief himself. ''Yeah, I'll repay you.''

He dug his hands into his coat pockets and Renjun could see the nervosity in the other boy. Wherever he needed to get to, it was urgent enough to cave into him.

''Get on my back. If you fall off, I'm not stopping,'' Renjun clarified as he dropped the boosted board beside the wet street curb and turned his back towards the other boy to jump on.

''Charming,'' Jaemin murmured sarcastically, getting on his back and holding a firm grip.

It was weird, feeling the weight on the other boy on his back and feeling so much of him. They both had layers of sweatshirts and jackets on, but Renjun swore he could feel the body heat from the other through it all.

He focused on navigating through the open city, steering them onto the big road and having Jaemin flick off the angry drivers who honked at them for hijacking the streets. The cold air hit their faces and he could hear Jaemin hollering in glee, feeling the other's body vibrate against his. Jaemin's grip around his own shoulders tightened as the speed picked up and the joyful cheering got louder.

He rolled his eyes with a smile tugging at his own lips. Jackass.

They arrived at 50th Street with a little bit of fumbling, having cheated their way through the traffic on the boosted board. When Renjun got the other boy off his back, he turned to him.

Jaemin's hair was ruffled, cheeks pink and his tired eyes had more light in them than before. He took Renjun's hand in his own, passing him a bill.

''That should cover it,'' he said.

Renjun glanced down. A generous $50 bill that was way more than a taxi ride here would ever be, and not at all the favor he wanted.

''Not the favor I wanna cash in,'' he responded dryly, handing back the bill.

Jaemin frowned, pretty features contorted in confusion. The silence stretched between them, the outer sounds of honking cars and busy streets moving the city around them as they looked at one another.

Finally, Jaemin spoke with caution. ''What kind of favor do you need?''

Renjun paused. ''I'll think about it.''

Without another word he dropped the boosted board to step on it, meeting the other boy's piercing gaze one more time before sweeping by him in the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is now my writing crutch.


	3. scorpio fucking moon

Renjun spent a large amount of time growing up psychoanalyzing himself. It fucked with his brain, it made him cynical. And it also made it hard for himself to have been alone with his thoughts at first. That was until he forced hours and hours upon introspection.

_Why did I feel this way? Why did_ **_that_ ** _piss me off? Am I upset with them right now, or am I projecting previous anger onto this?_

His intelligence widened by it, his awareness grew and it made him a little dangerous.

To be more aware than you should as a child made him realize how shitty life was pretty quickly. He noticed how the landlord would come by his young neighbor's apartment right before the monthly collective, and how the lights would turn off just as the TV volume heightened. He saw how his gym teacher's overly aggressive yelling probably had something to do with the alcohol bottle that was badly hidden in his office drawer that Renjun stumbled upon once. He also noticed how his cousin would fumble around with the food whenever they visited, never really eating it, and cutting it in smaller pieces to make it _appear_ eaten.

Renjun started hating it, hated his new eyes that were too grown up for his young body. It made him bitter when other kids naively went through seeing these things completely unsuspecting.

So he became the kid in the neighborhood who broke it down to the others that _no, Santa is not real, you fucking moron. He was never real._

Did it make him a bad guy? It made him human, he thought. But maybe those two things were a bit of the same. Synonyms, you could say.

He had one tattoo by the neck, his only tattoo in his mother tongue, written in Chinese letters. It said 'I'll be the eyes of the blind'.

It was ostentatious, which Renjun could be at times, but it held weight to who he was. For those who _couldn't_ see, he'd made sure they did.

And who was he to decide whether or not people should see what he does? Well, Na Jaemin put him against the wall with those exact words.

It was the first time they met. Jaemin had arrived tediously late for their term exams, doors locked to the lecture hall. A knock and an apologetically, warm smile had the normally terse and stern professor stepping up to meet him. Intrigued, Renjun saw how a few hushed whispers through the glass door had the professor's wrinkly features soften up.

There was a rule. You're late to a class? Doors locked. Late to an exam? There won't be another exam for you to take. There was no talking to a professor, and there was no knocking while an exam was taking place.

It was reinforced upon the entire student body — except for this student, it seemed. Renjun was a top student and had never been granted a privilege like that.

Ironically, though, he was called outside a second later.

''Huang,'' the professor spoke slowly, authority clear in her tone, ''your attendance score and participation in this class is high enough for you to step out of this exam unaffected. There will be another examination at the end of the month. The student to my left, Na, had urgent matters that made him regrettably late, and the other spots filled by the students aren't in the top as yourself that could afford to make such an exception. It's a lot to ask, but would you mind exchanging the exam dates with him for today?''

Renjun didn't take well to authority; probably because he felt that he knew better than most of them. And at this instance, he did.

He responded, ever so respectfully: ''It makes no sense whatsoever for me to do so, professor.''

He didn't do the favor the privileged student expected him to have made. And as a result he was confronted the same afternoon by Na Jaemin, which spiraled into their first conversation. Renjun had managed to hit a nerve 2 minutes and 57 seconds of them talking to one another.

''Who the fuck are you to say that about me?'' the other boy had demanded, voice breathless from the shock of Renjun's words.

He shrugged, unfaltered by the other's icy stare. ''I'm calling it as I see it.''

''And because 'you see it', you're allowed to speak on it?'' Jaemin challenged, voice dripping in mock attitude. He was wearing a brand sweatshirt, hair nicely pulled back and piercings shining silvery against his skin.

Pretty boy with old money. 

''If you're allowed _to be it_ , then yeah,'' Renjun laughed. He gave him a once over, unimpressed. ''You're a cliché. Mommy issues most likely having you overcompensate your affection towards others, especially elderly women, filling it with a false act of some honey-sweet-boy role that has you confused about who the fuck you even really are. And that's how I call it 5 seconds into meeting you.''

Jaemin burst out laughing, defenses up him with the presence of other people around them listening in.

Renjun smiled, no warmth in it. ''Also, you have a high pitched laughter when you're nervous.''

The laughing from the other boy halted.

Renjun was just as entitled, for sure. He felt entitled to call on things he saw. It was arrogant, but it was what it was. In summary; he was an asshole. Na Jaemin was one too.

He was just not afraid to admit it.

He knew too much about himself and he didn't like it. He didn't like himself, on most days. Other days, he accepted it — and because he did, he never sought the approval of others. It made him cold, cynical.

It made him Renjun, the 'scorpio fucking moon', as his ex girlfriend had called him.

He called her unstable. Maybe that was why he broke it off 6 months in.

* * *

[**Asshole**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQZph1sbZ6Q) by Hooligan Chase


	4. i'm talking pablo escobar

Jaemin is someone who knows about addiction. He derives from pleasure, and those two go hand in hand. He gets addicted to the feeling of something — or _someone_ — and usually, the feeling is rooted in freedom.

Whatever promises him the escape of his rigid, mapped out life ahead of him is the chase he goes after. It could be further explained scientifically, as Jaemin knew enough about the subject of addiction being something scientists and psychologists still tried to understand. He understood it very well, though, being a neuroscience major and all.

He'd sit in a looming lecture hall, watching his professor point out the localization function of the brain on the sketched out board. He knew it by heart, by memory, ironically enough.

He knew exactly the points the powdered white hit his nerves whenever he snorted it in at the marble counterpoint of restroom clubs. It made it much more enjoyable.

''You're too fucking smart for this,'' Jeno had snapped, dragging him away from the gigantic living room table where the penthouse apartment party of their friend's was being held.

East 74th Street on a Saturday and the coke was splayed on the table casually with everyone hanging out. He just hadn't expected to see his best friend barge in, disappointment etched in every feature of his sculpted face.

Jaemin had just chuckled, albeit a bit gone from the numb-euphoric rush surging through him. It wasn't about how fucking smart you were.

Cocaine was a drug of the rich. He'd grown up in enough mingling parties of his father's to notice the grander gestures, noticeably dilated pupils of the higher up guests attending that alcohol couldn't provide. He'd visited enough office hours of his mother's to see the bursting confidence of a suited man through a seminar that wasn't granted by coffee.

It was coke.

''$150 for a small zip bag of _clean_ white,'' his uncle had emphasized, voice husky as he inhaled his cigar. ''You think a teenage kid like you could afford this shit with your weekly allowance? You can't. Coc's is for the big guys, I'm talking Pablo Escobar.''

He had chuckled at his own little reference, then sobered up enough to throw the 17 year old Jaemin out of his lounge room for trying to sneak anything out of his stash. Jaemin hadn't been frightened though, he'd been intrigued.

He wanted a taste, he wanted the power trip. It was his freedom. It wasn't about the disease theory of addiction, it wasn't about the learned _nature_ of it. The studies speaking about addiction being a complex disorder like many other mental and physical disorders that had certain people 'more prone to it than others' didn't really know shit.

Jaemin knew what it was about. It was an escape, a pleasure, a _gift_ and about whoever wanted that bad enough.

Maybe he was seeking what he wasn't given growing up, and being raised by entrepreneur parents in the most ambitious city in the entire world — it was a lot.

A neglecting mother, a manic father who taught him all the wrong priorities in life. Jaemin was raised with power and he modelled himself after seeking it in people when befriending all the right family friend's children in kindergarten, over love interests he couldn't possess and in drugs he wove himself to.

Especially drugs. God, he loved cocaine, as much as he could love the right vodka martini with combination of a slim cigarette between his fingers.

Did he glamorize it all? The euphoric rush in the sensations he felt?

He glanced up at the tall hotel room mirror on the ceiling, shaping out the body of the guy he was fucking into in the dark. Face numb, cock throbbing and wet moans escaping the attractive guy underneath. Sheets Versace, a view of Lower Manhattan staring out to the masculine side of the city.

Jaemin smiled lazily and hissed at the sensation from fucking harder into the squelching hole.

If freedom was glamour, then yeah, he glamorized the fuck out of it.


	5. brooklyn, baby

Renjun was a real Brooklyn kid. All the way from his tough exterior to his street smart ways, Jaemin could smell him from a mile away. The kids from that borough were the ones who'd chew you up just to spit you right back out again; _for fun._

They also didn't play nice with outsiders, especially the Manhattan folks from the Upper East or West Village.

''I'm not going to no Brooklyn block party,'' Jaemin frowned when the word got around in his circle about them heading downtown for the day.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, knocking Jaemin's feet off the dining room table. ''Shut the fuck up, we're going.''

He cocked his head to the side, watching his friend closely. A wide smile grew on his face when it clicked.

''Mark is coming, huh?''

A wink from the other confirmed his question. If Mark Lee was going then it couldn't be half-bad. Jaemin liked the older guy, which majority of people in their circle did.

Queens guy from a well-respected family that was a bit of a natural charmer, often seen playing basketball by the park with the older people they knew of. Donghyuck wanted to suck his dick so bad.

*******

Block parties were full of life, plastic cups and fun. The air was cold but the people gathered around warmed it up. Cookout food was served in long tables and patio heaters were placed all around them.

Jaemin had to admit, it was cozy despite the intimidation he'd initially felt. The sight of Mark towering over a flirting Donghyuck by the grill satisfied him enough to ignore the feeling of being out of place.

He didn't recognize the music playing, didn't relate to the ease of confidence people were moving with around here. It was multicultural; it was real. The pretenses he knew so much of was nowhere in sight.

Hoodie, a backwards cap and Jordan sneakers; the sight of Renjun standing by his phone next to a bluetooth speaker greeted him when his eyes roamed the place.

He sauntered towards the shorter boy, consciously dragging his hand through his hair.

Renjun looked up, dark eyes glinting in amusement when he saw him.

''What are you playing?'' Jaemin asked, for lack of a conversation starter.

The boy grinned and Jaemin couldn't take his eyes off him. He looked good, the street clothing somehow making Renjun even more attractive than usual.

He looked comfortable, like he was where he belonged. Home.

''You're in Brooklyn and you don't know Pop Smoke?'' Renjun teased, giving him a bit of a slow once-over.

Jaemin kept his chin up, hoping his eyes didn't waver from the nerves stirring up by the other's presence. ''Should I?''

Renjun just shook his head, licking his lips before turning to his phone. ''Watch this.''

A different tune started playing and as if on queue, people around them started mouthing the beginning of the lyrics. Red and blue cups were raised, the instrumental of the music and deep voice of the artist enamoring everyone in the neighbourhood.

He turned to look at Renjun again who was already watching him. For the first time, the other boy's smile was genuine and met his sharp eyes.

''Welcome to Brooklyn, baby.''

* * *

[**Something Special**](https://youtu.be/YZLQ80L2f9c) by Pop Smoke


	6. give me that

Jaemin was possessive. It started at a young age when he first started feeling the childish urge to hoard all of his toys for himself. He'd been reprimanded by outsiders when he was playing haughtily with the other children — _'sharing is caring',_ but not by his father.

''Do you want that?''

8 year old Jaemin nodded; not taking his eyes off the price.

They were staring at a prized doll a dressed up Santa Claus' was holding up in The Fulton Center. The mall was hosting a friendly competition for children to have a chance to win right before the Christmas holidays. All in good natured fun, of course.

His parents could buy ten of those dolls if he wanted but it wasn't what it was about.

His father had a twinkle in his eye when he spoke next. ''Then you need to own it. Go win and make it yours.''

Winning meant ownership and Jaemin was ready to do whatever he needed to get a win.

/

_''What? The senior thinks he can get Jeno on his team? Jaemin is going to freak out.''_

Rumor spread quickly and when it reached Jaemin's ears that his best friend was being targeted for a district switch-off by their captain at high school tryouts, he saw red.

He couldn't see to the left without being met with the reassuring warm smile of the other boy. He couldn't sleep without forcing a phone call from the other during their holiday separations. He couldn't walk down the school halls they currently shared without reaching for his best friend.

Jeno was Jaemin's rock.

The chance of losing that — _him_ — made Jaemin murderous.

When he stepped onto the field later that evening though, all of Jaemin's worries were gone. He wore a cocky smile on and carried himself with ease that threw some of the surrounding people off.

He met eyes with Jeno across the lacrosse field before putting his helmet on and for a split second he saw the concern flash across Jeno's eyes. A questioning look; _''are you okay?''_

He responded by blowing a playful kiss to the other boy.

''Let's go, boys!''

Showtime.

*

**(Earlier that evening.)**

''Are you sure nobody will get, like… seriously hurt?''

Jaemin looked up to watch the theatre kid on their team, giving him a steady gaze across the table where his gameplay was mapped out on A2 paper.

He held the other's eyes. ''Yeah. The plan is all carried by how convincing your act is, so play it well.''

The third boy in the room, who was associated with many of Jaemin's family friends, gave out an impressive whistle. ''Shit, the way this is mapped out is fool-proof, not gonna lie. The captain should watch out. We might have you leading us next year.''

And he did. Jaemin became the captain for their team the following year of the senior's graduation.

*

Watching the idea he'd gotten in his head come to life was a satisfaction second to none. Jaemin barely kept his face neutral as it all played out. It was just the right distance of everyone scattered across the field, the right tempo as the ball was thrown and caught in the lacrosse stick's net, the perfect misstep of the captain to make as he was closely flanked by one of the pawns and swung too aggressively while losing sight of the kid in front of him.

The nerves stilled and he watched it all almost as if on film.

''Ow! Fuck!'' a loud thud was followed by a whistle cutting through the air.

The theatre kid was in action and had the injury marked on his face to play with. The helmet came off and blood was surging through an open wound above his nose.

The captain stood still, color lost on his face as he watched.

''I didn't mean to hit that hard,'' he got out, voice unsure and wavering when the eerie silence dragged on from everyone around.

Jaemin bit back a smile. Idiot. Wrong move.

As expected, the other pawn stepped in smoothly. ''That hard? You mean to say that you even meant to use force at all? It's a tryout. Why the fuck are you even using force to begin with?''

Defense, pride and testosterone filled the tension around them. ''Fuck you. Why were you flanking me, huh? All up my ass like you tried to shove your dick up. Check yourself, Walker.''

Shocked gasps and laughter from the teammates erupted when the coach stepped in, expression stony and presence fiery.

''What's going on?'' the booming voice demanded. After attending to the wound and the kid being nursed he turned to the captain expecting an explanation. With fumbled half-assed explanations and a few accusations later, the pin dropped.

''I swear to god he's playing favorites, coach,'' Walker then threw out, lacrosse stick thrown to the ground in rage. Jaemin could kiss him for how well he was doing. ''Everyone knows the captain's targeting specific students for district switch-offs and not giving a damn about the rest of us.''

''Yeah,'' another kid chimed. The crowd mentality was kicking in. ''I heard that too. Lee Jeno and other players are set to be picked without even giving the rest of us a fair try.''

The coach's eyes darkened. He turned to a cowering captain. ''Is that so?''

''I— Uh, I—''

''My office, now.''

Jaemin's eyes caught the two boys who gave him a subtle wink of their own until he felt a warm grip on his waist.

He turned to meet Jeno who was watching him carefully, something unreadable on his face. His black hair was stuck on his forehead from the running and his stoic stance stood taller than usual. Jaemin leaned into his warmth.

/

''I know what you did,'' his best friend murmured that night as they laid in his bed snuggled up.

''Is that so?'' he said, imitating the coach's deep voice which earned him a chuckle from the other and a playful hit on his shoulder.

Jeno's eyes were shaped in crescents with his face glowing. ''You're insane for doing that.''

He furrowed his brows, snuggling closer to the other boy. He didn't even question how Jeno knew.

''No one's taking my Jeno away from me. You're mine.''

He said the last sentence in a jokeful manner to cover up how much weight those two words really held to him — but of course Jeno picked up on it.

A hot exhale and a stretch of silence later, his best friend responded with ''I am.''

That was how they fit. Their roads in life were destined to intertwine. As much as Jaemin liked to own people, Jeno was okay with being owned. He was fine with Jaemin's unnerving nature and manipulating, malicious ways. Jeno saw who he was and didn't only stick around but loved him too. The boy sought after someone who'd ask him to never leave as much as Jaemin sought someone who'd never leave.

Soulmates. It was easy in a friendship.

Renjun on the other hand, was not.

*******

Jaemin felt the familiar redness creep up in his line of vision as he saw a dark haired student hover over Renjun's seat in class.

The guy was flashing too many smiles for it to be innocent and his eyes lingered on Renjun a bit too long. To suggestive. Too low.

He felt his stomach coil and how his hands started to itch. Jaemin's mind was turning.

A week later and the guy was at the same spot; hovering over a Renjun who was now reciprocating the smiles instead of staring blankly at them as he had a week prior.

When the lecture ended and students shuffled out the door, Jaemin lingered around until he caught the recognizable dark hair.

''Hey,'' he spoke up, a charming smile plastered on. ''You were talking to Huang earlier, right?''

Renjun was long gone now and the remaining people were himself and this guy; their friends already continuing their way down the hall.

The tall guy halted in front of him. He had a friendly face. ''Yeah, Renjun. Do you know him?''

Jaemin's smile widened. ''You could say that. I just haven't seen you around before, that's all.''

''Oh, I'm Lucas,'' a hand stretched out that Jaemin took. ''I was only attempting to get some tutor help at first to be honest, but he's cute.''

It was said playfully enough that would pass off as friendly but the familiar burning sensation flared through his body in a wave. Jaemin was sure something must've shifted in his stare because the other boy's open face closed off a fraction.

''If you ever need tutor help, come to me.''

Jaemin presented the sentence as a suggestion but the undertone of it was hard to miss. It wasn't debatable.

''Uh,'' the other chuckled nervously. ''I don't know? I'll check with Renjun first, but thanks for the offer.''

He saw as Lucas turned to walk away before speaking again.

''You know, you actually do seem familiar now. I recall that the professor mentioned China's upcoming business man's son attending the class? She comes by for dinner at my parent's place sometimes. An old friend to the family, really. She likes to talk.''

Lucas stopped in his tracks, eyes dropping in temperature as realization dawned on him.

Jaemin's eyes were hard, his smile ever so sweet. ''I forgot to introduce myself properly by the way. I'm Na Jaemin.''

He relished in the way the other's entire body language switched from laidback ease into rigid tension.

''I assume you'll reconsider the tutoring help? It'd be nice for family business if we kept things friendly.''

''Sure,'' the voice came out strained. ''No worries, man.''

He got a haste 'sorry' as Lucas hurried past him through the door. Jaemin scoffed and reached for his phone to locate his friends again.

The lecture room stood empty and he glanced at the clock. It was right about lunch time.

''If you didn't want anyone else fucking me that badly, you could've said so.''

Jaemin turned to the voice and was met with the pair of eyes that successfully held him rooted to the ground without fault.

Fuck.

Renjun came around the corner, backpack slung over his shoulder and hands in his pocket. He looked good.

Jaemin stood still and felt his body heat up. The irony of the contrast with him a few minutes ago and now was loud and clear.

The other boy got closer to him, eyes locked to his the entire time, until the distance between them was small enough for Jaemin to see the details of Renjun's dark eyes.

''I would apologize,'' he finally got out, voice hoarse. ''But I'm not really sorry.''

Renjun's gaze dropped to his lips. ''You never are.''

Jaemin licked his lips. His head was spinning from the close proximity. This was a different high; Renjun was an entirely different type of addiction.

''Isn't that what you like about me?'' he dared, taking a chance on closing the proximity until he could feel the other's fleeting breath on his face.

Renjun smiled and took a step back, adjusting the shoulder strap of his backpack. ''Bold of you to assume I like anything about you.''

With that hung in the air, the shorter boy disappeared through the door.


	7. east 77th street

In the West Coast everything about the nightlife was about who you were. You could stand in line of 1OAK with 6 figures in your bank account and you still wouldn't get in unless you were anyone the staff recognized or cared to look twice at. 

Oh, you know an A-lister? You have a friend who knows a friend? Doesn't fucking matter. Who the fuck are _you._

In the East Coast, everything was about who you knew. New York City was about connections and having a network that was constantly buzzing. You didn't need to have a dollar to your name because with the right name drop or club promoter, you'd suddenly be inside one of the most luxurious nightclubs in the city.

Jaemin loved going out. He loved the whole socializing, flirting and losing control of it all. He'd even love the headache of waking up the next day at 4pm after the cocaine had kept him up at an after party until 9am. It meant that he had a successful night going out.

He was a Manhattan boy with all the right connections and places to go which was why he often got text messages from his peers asking for favors. Jaemin was chill enough to pull through — on most days. But what he never would've expected was one of the names lighting up his phone screen to be from the person most prominent on his mind.

  
  


* * *

**Renjun  
**7:46PM

Hey, I need to pull in that favor. Any chance you know someone to get in on the list at Avenue tonight?

  
Sexy seeing your name pop up ;)  
  
You and how many?

  
  
Shut up. 3 others.

  
  
Alright I'll fix you in ❤️

Enjoy your night cuutie

* * *

  
  


Jaemin wasn't surprised that Renjun would go to Avenue of all places, with it being a place known for being more intimate playing heavy R&B and Hip Hop music right around the corner from 1OAK. It was the text a few hours later that caught him off guard.

> You coming?

A strange feeling spread across his body. He rubbed his neck, glancing up from his phone to be sure he wasn't caught amidst his flustered state. The kitchen was empty, as his home usually was. He typed in his reply with a heavy heart.

I'm home pulling in a study session I've been slacking off with :( Can't tonight

> That sucks. Since I'm close by and all.

Any other night and Jaemin would've blown off his studying and gone down to Chelsea, but the reality was that he was a 20 year old neuroscience major who was already partying too hard. No matter how much he craved to give into this opportunity right in front of him he couldn't afford to make that sacrifice with his well paid tutor coming in early tomorrow for his sake.

But he could compromise.

* * *

**Renjun  
**11:53PM

Come over to my place? I live right on East 77th Street. I can send an Uber to come get you

  
Okay.

❤️

  
Stop sending hearts.

Why? ❤️

  
Because?

❤️❤️❤️

Idiot.

  
Haha hurryyy

Told the Uber to turn back right now, sorry 💔

  
STFU BRO

I'm coming, jackass.

* * *

Even when Jaemin had the confirmation for the ride to pick up Renjun he was taken aback seeing him step out of the black car outside of his street. He was dressed in all black except the white sleeveless top showing off skin with his ripped jacket hanging off his shoulder.

''Hey, hot stuff,'' Jaemin greeted happily when approaching him.

Renjun narrowed his eyes in false scepticism but his cheeks were rosy. From the alcohol or the cold, he couldn't tell.

''I can't believe you live in a fucking townhouse at Upper East Side.''

He shrugged, taking out a slim cigarette of his to smoke before they went in. Renjun declined his offer with a mumbled reply of him not smoking.

Jaemin was aware that his neighborhood was nice, one of the nicest in the city really, but it was also his entire childhood. To anyone else not used to the lifestyle it was an adjustment — to him it was what he had the privilege to call normal.

The only odd sight from the usual streetlights and nicer piled up buildings he knew was Renjun standing here eyeing him unabashedly.

Smoke was swirling around them, air crisp cold. ''Did you have fun?''

Renjun nodded. His movements were softer than usual and he was more at ease, relaxed. The effect a few drinks would have. ''Yeah, it was nice. Thanks for hooking us up.''

''Just repaying the favor,'' he replied easy before putting the cigarette out on the ashtray outside the entrance.

Renjun followed behind him as he entered the code for the electronic keypad; a pricey upgrade his father had made to the older building's door to up the security and value of the home.

He watched as the other boy cautiously moved through the house when they stepped in. In a way he was seeing his own home with new eyes when imagining what it looked like to the most analytical person he'd met. The building structure was old fashioned with high ceilings and a chandelier hanging in the hallway, the interior design in their living room modern enough to make the combination of the two styles come across comfortably luxurious. There were a lot of family pictures hung on the walls with paintings throughout the place.

His father was sentimental and his mother liked art. Jaemin liked their presence in everything decorated in their household.

''It's… not what I expected,'' he heard Renjun say hesitantly as he walked around the spacious living room.

Cushy black sofas, a fireplace and a clear spiral staircase leading up to the bedrooms flattered the townhouse accommodation. Renjun paused at the vinyl player and observed some old records.

Jaemin watched him carefully. ''What did you expect?''

Strands of dyed hair fell over the boy's concentrated face as he was reading the back of a vinyl record. He finally mumbled, ''it's warmer than I thought.''

It was said so quietly that he would've missed it if it wasn't for the silence laid over the house. He heard the words loud and clear though.

A strange feeling of pride filled Jaemin over the compliment. He hid the smug smile coming across his lips and turned towards the kitchen. In an attempt to distract his ridiculous nerves, he offered the other boy leftover pizza from his earlier study session. Shuffling was heard from behind along with a casual ''yeah,'' as a response.

It didn't take long for Renjun to complain about the complex layout of the kitchen with the excessive amount of buttons on everything electronic or about how unreasonably tall the cabinets were. After a lot of cursing (from Renjun) and giggling (from him) they finally had their heated pizza on plates.

He wasn't aware of how much he was staring until Renjun pointed it out.

''You're staring.''

Jaemin blinked and felt how warmth was spreading through his face. He coughed, letting his pizza slice fall back on the plate again.

God. He was awkward. 

Renjun laughed gently and Jaemin was taken aback by how nicely the dim ceiling lights caught his narrow features.

''Because you're pretty,'' he admitted, tone oddly controlled compared to his thumping chest. ''Kinda why I can't stop staring.''

Silence of the airy house settled. They were looking at each other.

Jaemin had a lot of questions. _Why did you agree to come? Do you actually enjoy my presence, or is this just a brain-picking session to you? Why won't you give in to me, too?_

It was 2AM. Nothing good ever happens after 2AM.

If he could have a peek into the other's brain he'd have all of the answers to his questions.

Instead, nothing was said nor asked, because Renjun and Jaemin were both smarter than that. It was something inherently stupid in ruining a fragile moment so uniquely timed as that.

And it wouldn't be them if they didn't pretend it never happened as soon as time unfroze and the moment passed them by.

  
  


*******

Renjun fucking hated Jaemin. He got 99 problems and the bitchass had become one.

Whenever he was met with a problem he tried to ground himself by approaching it rationally or at least on a somewhat objective notion. However, nothing about Na Jaemin belonged in a sentence with those two epistemological views.

He didn't like the boy, he genuinely didn't. But he was fascinated and attracted to the first person stepping into his morbid world who happily took the punches he threw with a stride. The juxtaposition was beautiful to him; bravery of a cowardly person subjecting themselves to a walking truth pill such as himself on the daily.

Everything for the dick, huh?

The blonde boy needed therapy. God knew he needed it, too. And he'd tried.

It ended up being a verbal MMA match of insults between him and his therapist after a 18 year old — and slightly more hot tempered — Renjun had drawn an exaggerated comparison between the therapist and the fictional character Harley Quinn. It had been a defensive mechanism when she'd dug too deep for his comfort.

She'd called him a narcissist.

He wasn't narcissistic and he wasn't the thousands of diagnoses the self-righteous therapist had assigned him with. He had been an insecure teenager who knew a little bit more than what was good for him; which caused severe anxiety, paranoia and loneliness. Renjun had needed the right adult to see his arrogance for what it was. A shield.

It never happened thus 2 years later he was caught nearly busting his head open thinking about the radiating boy with a smile that got too bright when he caught sight of him.

Jaemin's eyes exposed him. They told Renjun everything he needed to know.

He was aware that Jaemin wanted to have him. That wasn't a secret. The boy wanted to own him as a prized possession to his beloved collection because people like Jaemin didn't view love in the nurturing way it was meant to be given. He could see in the other's unwavering stare how he'd grown to become the biggest hunt of the wealthy boy's life.

When you were able to buy anything, material items became boring and human beings became the only luxurious enough possession to satisfy you. And that satisfaction only held for a while, too.

_''There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.''_

Renjun wasn't meant to be owned and he wasn't a hunter for the reason being that when he started craving something, it was already his. All he needed to do was make sure that he wasn't starting to crave. Then it'd be game over.

So, he went on to ignore Jaemin.

/

''Why won't you call Mark over here?'' Jaemin mused, eyes fixed on the people on the table in front of theirs.

Mark was chatting excitedly with Renjun while hovering over the other's shoulder to watch whatever was animatedly playing through the laptop screen.

Donghyuck kissed his teeth agonizingly slowly. ''Because Renjun is there? Get the fuck outta here.''

He pouted, leaning forward on his chair in the study hall without taking his eyes off the sight in front of him.

''You don't own him,'' the curly headed boy whispered tauntingly.

Jaemin flipped him off. He really needed cocaine.

What he unfortunately needed more than that was for his brain to function properly without the drug for his upcoming exams that were falling in closer and faster as the leaves were dropping off the trees.

He had detoxes like these for short periods of time when it was time to focus. He'd stone-cold quit the Coc's, the occasional pill for that extra crazy night and the heavy drinking.

It wasn't easy but neither was the scientific study of the nervous system that was currently fucking him up the ass.

Some nights he'd close his eyes during a particular stressful study evening and think of his favorite pair of prettily shaped lips wrapped around his cock, licking him up slowly.

He got up from his chair in a haste and approached the owner of the mouth in his fantasies.

''Can I help you?'' Renjun questioned without looking up from his screen.

With their friends off to occupy one another they were left alone.

''Just wanted to talk,'' he said, dragging a chair to sit right in front of the other's line of sight.

Renjun looked up and pursed his lips in annoyance. Jaemin stared.

As his mouth opened to most likely give a quick retort, another voice cut in.

Jaemin felt warm arms wrap around him and he instinctively leaned into the affection from the familiar presence. ''Jeno, go away.''

A rumbling laughter shook against his back and he naturally felt the small smile forming on his face by hearing the sound.

''I'm sorry,'' Jeno grinned. He met eyes with Renjun and gave a nod to acknowledge the other's presence before turning to Jaemin again.

/

During the entire exchange between the two boys, Renjun was staring. A weird feeling settled over him.

Jaemin was sweeped away as quickly as he came with the black haired boy obscuring everything else in his line of vision. They walked out of the study hall, bodies too close and laughter too loud, and the blonde boy only spared him a quick glance before leaving.

Weird. He felt an itch.

Maybe Renjun started craving.

* * *

[**Location**](https://youtu.be/xZz6CY42BK0) by Dave (feat. Burna Boy)

[ **Why**](https://youtu.be/5mILqcNQ5hE) by Dominic Fike


	8. you're so fucking mean to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters are getting longer so it's taking longer for me to write. thanks for your patience!
> 
> you can always contact me here in the future; **[my tellonym.](https://tellonym.me/jaehymns)**

Renjun was walking home from a kickback-turned-party that had been setup by their uni group chat at the end of the week when the most unexpected thing happened.

It wasn't unusual that a 'chill kickback' organized turned into, well, _this._

They were in Williamsburg, known as Brooklyn's fancier parts. The street lights lit up the night when him and a few friends, slightly tipsy from a few beers, walked out of the bar where the gathering was hosted.

People were scattered around; some to catch fresh air, others to take a smoke. What Renjun didn't expect was one of those people by the sidelines to approach him as he was adjusting his jacket before heading home.

''Aye, Renjun!''

A guy stepped forward from the small crowd of people by the street towards him. He was good looking; he had brown hair that melted into his tan skin with fashionable clothing. A little too expensive clothing if the Balenciaga hoodie was anything to go by.

Renjun eyed him warily and turned to his friends; reassuring them to keep walking with a nod. He'd catch up with them later.

''Do I know you?'' he asked when the guy stood in front of him with a grin.

Something bugged Renjun about this dude. He was standing with too much self-assurance and comfort for someone he didn't know.

''You should,'' the guy retorted with a teasing lilt. ''I'm Jaemin's friend. Call me Hyuck.''

Recognition dawned on Renjun. He'd seen the guy around a lot of the parties in the upper part of the city, mostly around Jaemin's entourage.

Lee Donghyuck — Mark's fling. It explained why he was around their friend group.

''Are you looking for Mark?'' he asked, changing his stance and shoving his hands in his jacket pockets. He was staring the other down, he couldn't help it.

Renjun didn't intend to be intimidating but he didn't go out of his way to make others too comfortable around him either.

Donghyuck wasn't fazed by his stare though which further grew his unfavor for the guy.

''Is that all I am to you?'' the other said with mock offense, a glint in his eye as he dramatically held his hand over his heart. ''Mark Lee's little booty call?''

Renjun laughed in disbelief. ''You— dude,'' he got out in between laughter. He looked at the other as if he was out of his mind, which he probably was by the judgement of his ease in front of someone he'd never interacted with before.

Extroverted hulks, man.

''You're not anything to me,'' he clarified with a harsh edge to it. Renjun gave the other an unimpressed once-over. ''What do you want?''

Donghyuck's smile widened. ''Ouch. Made you laugh, though.''

The brown-haired boy pulled out his phone and handed it to Renjun, rolling his eyes when he was met with an icy stare from him.

''Calm down,'' Donghyuck sighed, ''I'm not hitting on you, twink boy. I'm inviting you to our group's annual party after exams are over. Jaemin's been cooped up at home studying for the exams so he'll be there to break his whole partying hiatus.''

The phone display showed off a Facebook event and he saw the name Na Jaemin ticked under the green box of names lining up those who were coming.

''You should be there,'' the guy pressed on.

Renjun stared at him blankly and the other met his stare with defiance. Why was this guy so persistent?

Jaemin suddenly popped up on his head; the blonde boy's contagious laughter echoing in memory.

So, Renjun typed in his contact.

''I'll come,'' he responded flatly, giving back the phone. ''My friends too.''

Donghyuck flashed him a bright smile and a wink. ''Bet, we'll have fun.''

Renjun turned on his heel, not bothering with a goodbye and received a series of loud complaints behind him from the guy.

''Not even a goodbye? You're breaking my heart, twink boy! _I thought we had a bond forming right about now!_ ''

He tried his best to hold back cursing as the volume of Donghyuck's melodramatic sequence got higher, and he flipped the other off without turning around which earned him bright laughter in response.

*******

**@leedonghyck.00** started following you. (57 minutes ago)

A few days later of the occurrence Renjun was caught frowning at his phone notifications, suspicion growing at the sight of the familiar name on his screen.

Mark was chewing loudly unbeknownst in front of him; happily enjoying his lunch break after their slow morning study. Meeting early on in the morning was a tough feat but they got the most productivity out of the day from it, so they both stuck to the schedule of holding their study sessions like this.

''What's going on with your... little _friend_?'' Renjun drawled as he looked up from his phone to warily watch the boy.

Mark halted in his chewing by the tone used. ''Hm? Are you talking about Hyuck?'' The dark haired boy shuffled from his seat across from him to round over the table, peeking curiously over Renjun's shoulder to catch what was on the screen.

''Ah.'' He felt rather than heard how the other boy hummed in realization behind him. ''Yeah, he mentioned running into you. It's just how he is when he wants to befriend someone. He doesn't give in.''

Renjun scoffed and clicked the screen shut. ''He's annoying.''

Amused laughter filled his ear and Renjun turned around to see an eye smile coloring Mark's face — he radiated a lot of warmth; presence uplifting without fault. ''Sure, sure.''

''What?''

Mark returned to his lunch, adjusting the reading glasses on his face.

He didn't need to wear them when they weren't studying but Renjun assumed he'd gotten used to them. The black framed glasses were unflattering and awkward, making the older boy's handsome face more cute.

''Just wait and see,'' Mark got out in between his chews. ''He's cool. I'm not hanging out with him for no reason, y'know.''

_You hangout with everybody,_ he thought to himself. _Plus, you're fucking him._

But Mark was the one person Renjun put an effort to hold back his blunt remarks towards, so he just schooled his features into a blank expression and kept those judgements to himself.

  
  


//

Jaemin stood by the grassy hangout outside their university for a smoke break with the others when he was scrolling through his phone. The air was getting crispier as the autumn days were at their end and the smoke twirling from the skinny cigarette formed more fog than usual from the cold temperature.

Jeno and Donghyuck engaged happily in conversations with a few classmates of theirs as Jaemin kept to himself by his phone. He was a bit burned-out lately; socially and physically. Studying at every waking hour was hard for his unfocused hyperactive brain, even with the help of his specialized tutor. The withdrawal from the drugs was making him a bit grumpier than usual, or it was the seasonal depression everyone experienced.

He wouldn't really know. Every New Yorker adjusted their already existing rigidness with the weather changes. The city was introverted no matter how loud and captivating it was — Jaemin thought there was no other city in the world that he could relate more to.

He took a drag out of his cigarette as he roamed through phone apps; somehow drifting off to a profile page he'd visited too many times.

👤 Huang Renjun: _20, NYC._

Jaemin was unashamed about how often he looked up the profile. Yeah, he'd check up on the other's social media even if Renjun barely ever fucking updated. It was second-nature at this point. When he didn't see the boy around for too long, he'd miss his face and look at his page instead.

As he flipped through at the few pictures in the feed, he didn't recognize anything out of the ordinary, until—

> ♥️ Liked by **leedonghyck.00** and **87 others.**

Jaemin felt his neck grow hot.

''Donghyuck-ah.''

Hearing his voice drop in temperature was foreign to his own ears and he didn't miss how the unease grew in the air as people around picked up on the shift.

''Yes, my love?'' the honey-sweet voice came.

Donghyuck was clever and an excellent communicator who'd mastered his faux congeniality to seem sincere in the eyes of those who didn't know better. He moved with a charm that only came second to Jaemin's.

They knew each other's game like the back of their hand and Jaemin knew what that shit-eating grin meant.

He raised an eyebrow as Donghyuck sauntered to him; his brown hair pushed back prettily. ''What the fuck is this?''

Donghyuck faked confusion as he looked at the screen.

'' _Hyuck._ ''

An eye roll accompanied the sigh escaping Donghyuck's plump lips. His strong gaze locked with Jaemin's. ''Alright, chill. I saw Renjun this weekend when you were having your boring 'study day'—'' this earned a jeering remark, ''—fucking loser, you should've came out. I told you to _._ ''

He felt something twinge in his chest over missing the opportunity to see Renjun, on top of it being rubbed in his face like this. Jaemin threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped on it roughly. He imagined the flattened cigarette remains being Donghyuck's neck.

Maybe it was the mood swings, maybe it was the overbearing stress looming over them or maybe it was that time of the year where Jaemin and Donghyuck finally grew sick of each other from constantly hanging out, but nevertheless — something looming burdened the air.

''Guys, let's drop this for now.''

Jeno cut in with that smile of his that melted the tension boiling between the two before anything escalated, as always, but Jaemin couldn't help how his mind imagined drawing a big red cross over Donghyuck's back when the boy got back to his socializing.

Whatever the fuck Hyuck wanted from Renjun he'd make sure he didn't get it.

  
  


//

Exam season was tough and the added stress brought on pent up feelings from the loneliness and isolation of the excruciating study sessions. Renjun felt alone on most nights as he stayed up.

His mind was both a blessing and a curse.

During daytime it would entertain him. It would help him through his most dragging lectures and unfathomably boring textbooks he'd have to read for class as well as the tedious conversations he kept up with professors for good merit. With the city buzzing, his introverted mind fell quieter. The city was always louder than his thoughts, it's what he loved about it.

At nighttime it would torment him. The eerie silence of his room with the laptop screen staring back at him; the only source of light reflecting on his face. The endless scrolling through social media that eventually became claustrophobic. The shift to when everyone went to sleep and he was the only one staying up always left him feeling empty.

He'd try putting on a podcast to fill the hollow feeling. A YouTube video or five and sometimes he'd be lucky enough to fall asleep before the morning birds started chirping and the sun was peeking through.

Most nights he'd take his boosted board and run it all the way from Brooklyn to the pretty skyline of the Hudson River until he got tired. His usual route would reach the Upper West Side but on a really bad night he'd even get as far as to Fort Washington Park with his headphone batteries dying and his cheeks freezing from the cold.

Renjun wasn't lonely by definition. He had really solid friends; his mistake was compartmentalizing them.

He'd give his friends different sides of him so that no one would have all of him — his full vulnerability. Majority only knew him shallowly, reaching as far as knowing what he liked to eat and what movies he enjoyed. Those types of friends were good enough to be within group settings but never one-on-one. Then there were friends of his that _thought_ they knew him enough. Like Mark.

He had been with Renjun long enough to catch parts of him that went beyond comfort friendships and into something more exposed. Mark knew about his raging anxiety that took over so unexpectedly that it felt like the earth was swallowing him whole. He knew about his deeply ingrained trust issues from the lying adults surrounding him his entire life.

But Mark only _knew_ of them, he'd never seen Renjun in his vulnerability and he'd never been present for any of those hardships. These were things the other had picked up on when getting to know Renjun, not what he'd fully understood by experience.

So, never had one friend ever got all parts of Renjun; just percentages. It left him feeling split up, like he was never fully himself until he was left alone.

He was only percentages when he met his friends. 10% of this version of Renjun, 40% of that Renjun. 

It could be satisfying knowing that no one fully had power over him by the knowledge of his weaknesses. No one to disappoint him as he didn't expect anything from anyone. Opening up fully to another person led to relying on them, and if you relied on someone you'd be set up for disappointment when they eventually fucked up.

Because everyone fucks up. And Renjun never felt emotionally capable of handling that yet. He only gave parts of himself to people because the one truth Renjun hated with all his heart was that he was too much to give himself fully to someone.

Renjun was overly sensitive. He was paranoid. He was too angry. He was too cold. He was extremely impulsive. An overthinker. Blindly stubborn to so many faults. Cynical. He was entirely too much for his tiny body.

Broken from his tainted upbringing.

When he was riding his boosted board through the city at nights like this, wind on his face and traffic in full commotion with the concrete jungle, he felt as invisible as he wished to be.

Yeah, Renjun was lonely by his own fucking definition. Because what else would the heavy feeling he carried around be? Loneliness didn't make you feel empty, he realized. It made you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks all throughout busy streets with no one even sparing you a glance as you nearly crumbled.

His phone vibrated in his hand and momentarily stopped the music playing in his headphones to alert him of the message received. The name he caught on the display notification made his thoughts halt.

Renjun slowed down the board by the Greenway walk, the skyscrapers towering over the river. He sat down at one of the benches facing the view and opened the message.

* * *

**Jaemin  
** 03:10AM

Random as fuck, but this song reminds me of you

_Website: open.spotify.com ([YOU'RE SO FUCKING MEAN TO ME — Tiffany Day](https://open.spotify.com/album/38o5oHNtKOAm2fg2bzC3mk?highlight=spotify:track:3hvKDGZ7B6pmuRq5aloFwA)) _

  
  


* * *

He looked at the screen in surprise. A dazed feeling was creeping up on him and he clicked on the song. His feet felt lighter than usual as he sat down.

An upbeat pop song thumped through his headphones with the singer's words trickling in smoothly. He tried his hardest not to acknowledge the conflicting emotions beginning to spread through his body and clicked at the heart on the app to save the track.

He copied in a song link of his own choice.

* * *

**Jaemin  
** 03:21AM

Funny, this song reminds me of you.

_Website: open.spotify.com ([No Scrubs — TLC](https://open.spotify.com/album/19W8v1w20SDz5TWMxeVEZD?highlight=spotify:track:2ve2SnyHu4qV2ORbFzDTzI)) _

* * *

  
  


He burst into laughter from the incoming keyboard smashes and sad faces from Jaemin that expressed his disappointment of the song choice.

Renjun glanced at the time on his phone and curiosity settled in, wondering what the other boy was doing up so late on a weekday.

> _How come you're up so late?_

While waiting for the response of the other he looked up to watch the pretty city skyline with the river reflecting underneath. A few people were walking alongside the Greenway route, the city never being truly asleep.

His phone buzzed quickly again.

* * *

**Jaemin  
** 03:24AM

  
  


Home alone and bored :( Tried sleeping but ended up gaming instead

Wbu?

I'm kinda always awake.

That sucks, I couldn't deal with this on a daily

Hmmm… Come by and keep me company? ❤️

(Promise not to be a scrub)

Lmfao. I told you to stop with the corny hearts.

Is that a yes? :D

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Answer meeeee

You're annoying. Yeah I'm omw

* * *

His legs were feeling a bit wobbly and his usually cold-struck face by the night air was on fire by the blood rushing to his face when he made his way through Riverside Blvd to get to the other side of Manhattan.

He read into the lyrics of the silly song, thoughts jumbling into a messy mixture of over analyzation. The gesture of being sent it was something he couldn't shake off.

Jaemin's wide smile met him on 77th Street when he arrived, the taller boy dressed in sweats with a black hoodie hanging off his tall frame. It added a softness to him.

''You're here again,'' Jaemin said with a smile when typing in the keypad code to his front door.

It was different when Jaemin looked like this; cozy and relaxed. It added an unexpected element, making something delicate hang between them after weeks of not properly seeing each other.

He offered to take Renjun's boosted board and strands of his blonde hair fell over his face which he tried to shake in place with his free hand.

Renjun watched him and took notice of Jaemin's long fingers. He'd taken notice of them a couple times before when the other boy would smoke. They were long and pretty.

The inside of the townhouse was as spacious and extravagant as last time he saw it and this time it was easier navigating through. He followed the other boy up the clear spiral staircase that led to a narrow hallway with a few doors lined up. The last door was ajar, soft music spilling onto the hall the closer they got to the room.

Renjun recognized the smooth voice of the artist immediately. ''Is that Pop Smoke playing?''

He was met with a beaming smile. Jaemin looked proud. ''Yeah. It's my favorite track of his, actually.''

Renjun didn't know how to properly describe the feeling that fell over him with the implications of Jaemin listening through an artist he'd introduced him to, so he ignored it.

Jaemin's bedroom was lit up around the wall corners with fairy lights; a few photography photos clipped on the wires of them with images of friends and scenery alike displayed. He could recognize some of the people from their university in the images.

He felt heavy eyes on him and turned to see Jaemin attentively watching his reaction. Renjun pretended to seem unaffected.

Truth was, he was starting to like having Jaemin's eyes on him.

''Nice room,'' he said casually and sat on the wide bed closest to the outlet, reaching for the charger to connect his phone to it.

Jaemin walked across the room where his gaming setup was lit up and sat down on his swivel chair to turn around and put on his headphones with cat ears on the top.

Renjun laughed when the other made a show of the headphones with silly cat noises. When Jaemin fell into flimsy expressions his traditionally handsome features became more endearing, the boy didn't care much for looking goofy. He wouldn't have guessed a person with such predictability would have more sides to him than the initial ones he'd seen.

Jaemin's phone buzzed and interrupted the soft flow of the music filling the room until he reached out to switch it on silent. Renjun gave him a questioning look.

''Why won't you pickup?''

He met Renjun's curious gaze with a challenging eyebrow lifted. ''Because I'm with you, aren't I?''

Renjun scoffed. He broke their eye contact when his gaze went onto the extended wide display screens of the computers behind Jaemin on the desk. It was a legit gamer set-up; the keyboards were illuminated by colorful lights with an added surrounding system.

''Can I watch you play?'' he asked, getting up from the bed to accompany the other boy.

He jumped on a tall desk on the side, kicking his legs back and forth playfully which earned him a smile.

Jaemin nodded, hair pushed back as he turned to his desktop. ''Sure, if it won't be too boring for you. I'm starting up a new round in a minute.''

Renjun learned just how fun Jaemin could be watching him play. The boy was entertainment embodied with his grand reactions and funny remarks as he sped around with his gaming avatar through each round.

After a while the other boy stretched out lazily, hoodie shifting to reveal a silver of his outlined stomach that distracted Renjun. ''Okay, I've played enough rounds. You wanna try?''

''Me?'' Renjun blinked, pulled away from his thoughts.

He received an encouraging nod from the other with a smile. ''Yeah, I'll teach you. Don't worry.''

Jaemin turned the swivel chair towards him and clapped on his thighs, indication clear with his smug expression.

Realization dawned on Renjun. ''Fuck no, dude. I'm not sitting on your lap.''

''Aw, c'mon,'' Jaemin protested lightly, eyes gleaming with something too suggestive. Renjun wanted to punch him in the face for the reaction that was stirring up within him from the gesture.

The air in the room suddenly felt much hotter.

Fuck it.

Renjun jumped down from the high desk and stood up to harshly place himself on the taller boy's lap, receiving an 'ow!' that satisfied him enough to not think of the close proximity of the other.

It was hard. Being pressed up on Jaemin with the other boy only wearing sweats, he could feel a lot. He was warm, too, smelling of nice cologne.

''Alright, I just gotta find a new server to join,'' Jaemin explained and Renjun was impressed by how calmly the other spoke as he reached around him to fiddle with the keyboards.

The fairy lights twinkled dimly around the dark room and the music playing made the current moment feel arousing. Or maybe Renjun was projecting.

Renjun sat there, waiting, feeling warmth pooling in his gut as he watched Jaemin's long fingers type on the keyboard. They were pretty hands.

His legs were fidgeting out of nerves until a warm hand held his thigh still. 

''Chill,'' Jaemin's gentle voice teased. His words vibrated against Renjun's back from how close his lips were to him.

Renjun felt dizzy, so he put his entire focus on the game starting up and shut out whatever scenarios were threatening to form in his head with fixed determination.

He played fairly well and further into the game he started relaxing into Jaemin's closeness. The other boy's ease calmed him down, he even guided Renjun throughout everything and happily cheered whenever he did something good in the game.

Eventually, Renjun's mind started to wander and his breath became slower, shorter.

His eyes were no longer steady in front of him and roamed free before it stayed on Jaemin's long fingers that were resting next to the keyboard.

Renjun wet his lips, moving calculately in a position that came in contact with the other's crotch until a low groan escaped Jaemin's mouth.

''Shit, sorry—'' Renjun mumbled without sincerity to it; he heard a sharp inhale as the other's hands gripped his waist.

The words coming from Jaemin's mouth were breathless and hoarse. ''No, no. It's chill.''

A rush overcame Renjun at the sound of the other's strained voice, feeling the grip on his waist becoming warmer. He felt Jaemin's growing bulge with his ass.

He rolled his ass down with more pressure this time so that he could really feel the outline of Jaemin's cock in his sweatpants and got a firm hold on him with a growl escaping the other.

He smiled as he felt a warm exhale from behind him, hands on him heated. Renjun turned to the side to watch Jaemin's pretty, long fingers on his sides.

A surge of need went through his body.

''I want you to fuck me open with your fingers,'' he heard himself say, voice carrying weakly. He was transfixed by the sight as the other's grip tightened with whitening knuckles.

An exasperated sigh and a strained voice followed with, ''fuck, okay.''

He felt how worked up Jaemin was by how shakily the other undressed his pants when he leaned forward on the desk; his ass naked in the air with his face down and resting on his forearms.

''I don't know where the lube is,'' he heard a frustrated mumble from behind him.

''Just use your spit.''

A hand rested on his right ass cheek and a gentle, ''okay.''

Silence went through the room and Renjun wondered what the other boy was doing; sexual frustration penting up with his cock achingly hung between his legs and ass free in the open.

Then, ''are you sure?'' the voice asked softly, hesitation evident.

He'd never heard Jaemin's voice aimed at him like that. It was protective, almost. Caring. Renjun instinctively repressed the affection from the other.

''Yeah. Just, _fuck_ —'' he hissed, impatiently growing harder with the air coming to friction with his bare cock. ''Hurry.''

A sound of sloppy spitting was heard and he suddenly felt wet fingers circling around his entrance. Renjun gasped from the contact, heat flourishing over him and his legs spread wider apart in response.

Jaemin held him steady with one of his hands on his ass with the other working around his entrance until one finger slipped in, earning low whining spilling from Renjun's mouth.

Renjun slowly lost himself in the intoxicating feeling from the second and third fingers finally entering him and he let the moans join the obscene sounds coming from Jaemin's fingers squelching in and out of his hole.

Breathy noises were heard from behind him, ''you're so— _fuck,_ Renjun.''

The room grew suffocating from the heat forming. His legs started shaking as Jaemin stretched his hole wide open; spit soaking his ass and trickling down his legs.

''Mhm,'' Renjun felt dizzy and warm, not too far from his climax. His cock was leaking and he didn't dare to lift his head up, keeping it buried in his forearms.

Jaemin held him up as his legs weakened and roughly picked up the pace with his hand.

'' _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ ,'' Renjun cursed, feeling the intense heat spreading in his gut with Jaemin's fingers filling him up.

The wet sounds took over the room with Renjun's hole pulsating each time Jaemin entered in and out of it with precision. Then, fingers crooked inside his ass and Renjun's legs started shaking uncontrollably.

He clenched around the fingers, seeing white speckles at the edge of his vision with his head spinning wildly.

''M', I'm— M'gonna,'' he stuttered weakly as a strong hold kept him up.

''Come,'' Jaemin encouraged softly, his hoarse voice laced with a gentleness that pushed Renjun over to the edge.

His entire body gave out and the last thing Renjun registered was falling back onto Jaemin who caught him with a low grunt.

He could feel the cum drying all over his bare legs and his hooded eyes barely stayed open from exhaustion; fairy lights twinkling in out-of-focused bulbs as he looked up the walls.

''Wait here,'' he heard a distant voice say as arms enveloped him and he was carried to a soft surface.

Renjun nearly fell asleep until he was slowly stirred awake with what he felt was only seconds passed.

''Sorry,'' Jaemin's pretty face came into focus. A towel in hand. ''Is it okay if I clean you up?''

He snorted. Who the fuck would've thought Jaemin would be like this?

Renjun nodded absentmindedly, feeling a damp towel over his body and then something warm covering him up. He glanced down and saw different sweatpants on him.

Again, a strange feeling settled over Renjun that he forced into repressed submission from his own conflicting emotions arising.

He saw out of the corner of his eye as Jaemin switched out of his clothing into new sweats and tee, shutting the computer off and joining him in the wide bed.

Jaemin's warmth extended onto him as he cuddled him from behind, arm over Renjun's waist and breath fanning on his neck. They fell asleep like that, heavy breathing turning into deep sleep for the both of them.

//

When Renjun woke up he was met with the sight of Jaemin sitting up on the bed with his phone, sheets around him as his blonde hair tousled over his sleepy face.

''What time is it?'' Renjun asked, voice drowsy.

Jaemin turned to him in surprise, softening at the sight of him. ''It's 10am. We gotta head to uni about 12, it's our last lecture before exams.''

He nodded slowly, rubbing the sleep off his face when a horrible thought struck him. ''Wait. Are your parents coming home?''

Jaemin giggled, finding amusement over Renjun's horror struck-ridden face.

''They're gone during most weekends and home irregular weekdays. Luckily they're gone today and tomorrow.''

Renjun visibly slumped in relief and then the realization of where he was and what occurred last night actually came over him.

Jaemin's fingers, deep in him. Whining. Wet moans. The fucking cuddling that came after.

His face heated up and he felt eyes on him, and when he turned to Jaemin they locked eyes.

Jaemin's gaze was stuck on him, and he seemed to search for something. For a moment the room stilled.

Renjun broke it and excused himself to the bathroom. It still felt strange being around such a newly renovated home with expensive decorations wherever he turned. The clear sink, the perfectly lined up towels — it was like a hotel.

He sauntered down the spiral staircase after cleaning up and met Jaemin downstairs. He was still wearing the other's sweatpants and earned a wink.

''Do you wanna grab breakfast outside or make something here?''

Renjun glanced at his phone, dreading the phone calls from his mom. Why did a missing call from your parents feel like the feds were hunting your ass down?

She'd probably caught him out of bed in the morning, wondering about his whereabouts. He could easily pull off a lie about an early class or something.

''Outside,'' Renjun replied.

He wasn't fully comfortable about the circumstances he was in and staying in Jaemin's home for too long made it all too domestic. He needed to get outside.

Jaemin nodded and then brought something out the coat-hanger closet.

''I got this after you gave me a ride,'' he grinned and showed off the brand new boosted board.

It was much nicer than Renjun's own, beat up board that he got half price from the previous owner.

Renjun cocked an eyebrow. ''Let's see if you can keep up, rich boy.''

When they got outside on their boosted boards, Jaemin did fairly well in keeping up. They rode through Central Park and stopped by a food truck that sold waffles with coffee.

Renjun made a face when he saw how dark Jaemin drank his coffee, receiving a playful shove.

''Hey, _this_ is how you're supposed to drink your coffee,'' he argued.

''Gross.''

The city was alive and bright with the autumn sun peeking through the hovering trees surrounding them, the soaring skyscrapers peeking through right behind.

People were running, some of them were out for a lunch stroll and others were out with their dogs. The energetic pull in the inner city of the park woke you up with clarity.

Jaemin kept cooing at dogs and the dog owners stopped to let him pet them, which made Renjun roll his eyes with a reluctant smile forming on his lips. Of course. Even the fucking dogs were completely enamored by him.

After eating up their breakfast and dumping it in the nearest trash cans, they made it to the Upper West Side, students roaming around them as they zipped past buses and subway stations.

Jaemin stopped for a smoke break, fishing up the pack from his pockets and lighting a cigarette up. He watched Renjun as he caught his eyes on him.

A wide smile danced on his lips, wetting them. ''Are you looking at my fingers?''

''Shut up.''

Jaemin laughed, eyes twinkling. Renjun felt how his ears were growing warm.

''I enjoyed last night, you know,'' he heard the other say. He looked over at the taller boy and saw sincerity on his face this time.

Renjun didn't respond, watching him cautiously instead.

Something had shifted between them, that much was clear. But it was shown in the way Jaemin stood now too; body language directing every focus onto him, eyes lacking the harsh edge that it used to have.

Weird.

''Were you coming to the annual party this weekend, the one after exams on friday?''

Jaemin looked at him, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and Renjun decided to be cheeky.

''The one your friend invited me too?'' he enjoyed the flicker of annoyance in Jaemin's eyes at the mention. ''Yeah, I'll come.''

A new, familiar voice cut through the air.

''Yo!''

Renjun turned around, seeing Mark coming up the subway stairs with a backpack slung over his shoulder and an ease in his walk as he came closer.

''I'll head in,'' Jaemin averted easily, butting his cigarette to the ground. ''Good luck with the exams coming up.''

''You too,'' he replied, watching the other get on his board and zoom past the campus.

* * *

_[**The Pop Smoke song**](https://youtu.be/jhTkV1r2Mpg) playing from Jaemin's room that got Renjun feeling some type of way. _


End file.
